Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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