i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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