he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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