there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
