Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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