yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
