I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
