How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
