haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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