when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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