There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
