How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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