i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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