6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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