So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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