I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
