If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
