I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
