So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Actions speak louder than pants.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
