i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Soap is not a condiment
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my being single is dangerous.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just invented taco cereal.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize