So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I party with great urgency now.
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