I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
