How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize