i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
