Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
