I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
