Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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