Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
