my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
