This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
