Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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