Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
