What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize