my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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