there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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