he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize