I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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