That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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