i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
