Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
