my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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