My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You need Xanax blowdarts
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
