They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
