you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
