What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
