You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
