if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
