Are we in a gay sports bar?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
