yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
