Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
