Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Everyone says I win the strip club
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
