dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
