we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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