My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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