so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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