Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
