sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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