I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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