I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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